Christian Bossert on Wellness
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I must admit, vulnerability and
I are not very familiar. It has been a mere two years since I became
properly acquainted with the meaning of this word. Growing up, as a
child, teen, and young man, any situation that I deemed would place
myself in a vulnerable state was to be avoided. From a logical
standpoint this made sense because who would want to place themselves in
a position in which they are susceptible to physical or emotional
pain.
Two
years ago, I experienced the greatest tragedy of my life. We all
experience pain and suffering, and this event takes the cake in my life.
Without going into further detail, this
event changed my life by opening me up to being vulnerable for the
first time in my life. This tragedy has been my greatest gift and most
devastating reality.
In
the aftermath I turned to my closest friends and family. They were
there for me. They allowed time for grieving. They listened to me in my
time of need. They gave me space when I asked for it. Most importantly, I
gave myself to the vulnerability.
As
a guy it is insanely hard to be vulnerable. There was never any
information on how to connect. I didn't know how to communicate my
frustrations and disappointments with myself or my performance in
school/career, football field, or with my relationships. If I didn't win
or get perfect grades (which NEVER happened), I didn't feel good enough. I felt like a failure. A loser.
Sophomore year of high school we had to decide our nickname for Spanish class. I selected 'Oso' which means bear. Spanish was a difficult class for me. Regardless of how much time or effort I put into the class, I couldn't score better than a 'C' on tests. When I asked questions in class I was utterly confused and routinely provided the wrong answer,
if ANY answer at all. My cool nickname that meant bear turned me into
the class joke. My classmates selected a new nickname for me,
'Oso-Dumb.'
This
was humiliating. I couldn't stand myself. I believed them and I placed
my self worth in their thoughts of me. I never told anyone this, even
close friends and family, for I feared being vulnerable (Hopefully my
mom won't feel bad when she reads this. Mom, you're the best. Love
you!). I felt that if I revealed
how I felt to my football buddies they would call me a pu**y, a bit**,
or a little girl. I felt lost for I believed that I was intellectually
inferior to my peers.
Even
as I went to college at the University of Tennessee and made good
grades, went on to grad school, and started my own successful business,
I could not escape the feeling of not being good enough. I felt that I
had to prove I intellectually belonged. I felt that I always had to
validate myself. Then my world was turned upside down. My choices were
to sink or swim. There was no other option. I decided to jump in head
first to the ocean of risk, uncertainty, and emotion. I began swimming
in the vast ocean of vulnerability.
Learning
how to be vulnerable has been a straight up brawl. It is tough to be
vulnerable when we are afraid of what people may see or think. It is
tough to show up and be our best self when we are fueled by the little
monster that is constantly whispering in our ear, "you are not good
enough." I found out the HARD way when I shut down vulnerability,
I shut down opportunity. I wanted to live free. With the help of two
very important guys (brothas from anotha motha ehm... John and Jake), I
discovered that I wanted to live free. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to
be me. I learned in order to find this freedom I would have to open
myself up to opportunity. I had to discover how to be vulnerable.
The
past two years have been the best of my life. I have traveled all
corners of the US. Made lifelong friends in Italy and Turkey. My
relationships with my friends and family are the best they have ever
been. My business is flourishing. I am tackling my crutch of
procrastination and fear of public speaking. Next year I will trek to
the basecamp of Mt. Everest. I've never been happier. I am more
comfortable than ever with uncertain situations, which as an entrepreneur uncertain situations are an everyday thing.
